So, here's the one that kicks it all off. Hopefully, this will steady the flow of things, and I'll start to feel more confident about typing absolute and complete nonsense when it comes to writing down my musings. Anyway, here goes nothing...
Next week my better half is going on his second "lads" holiday to Ibiza. Now, as many of you know, going on holiday for the first time without the family can be slightly daunting. Also, it is highlllyyy likely that your friends are going to do their very best to make you look like a total ass. After all, thats what friends are for, right? WELL, if they are there to ridicule you, then I am here with a handy little guide to vacationing. 10 easy steps to dodging humiliation and avoid looking like a loser.
1. Have a drink at the airport, on the plane, when you land. Who cares if your flight is at 9am? START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON.
2. SPEEDOS ARE OFF LIMITS. Never ever ever commit this abominable crime. Unless you have the body of an adonis or want to look like you are smuggling a budgie. Whatever floats your boat.
3. DON'T FALL ASLEEP AT THE SIDE OF THE POOL. You'll spend the rest of the holiday looking like a lobster or you'll not have a tan at all. This is because your buddies decided they'd waste all their suntan lotion covering you with it. Mazeltov!
4. TAKING YOUR PASSPORT OUT CLUBBING WITH YOU SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA when you'd finished your fifth double jack and coke of the evening. When you can't get back into your home country because your entire face is stained from cherry sour shots, YOU'LL IMMEDIATELY REGRET THAT DECISION.
5. Bread is a staple food of the holiday diet. Bread = Constipation. However, IF YOU DRINK VODKA EVERY NIGHT, constipation will never be an issue. In fact, you'll have trouble getting off the toilet the next morning...
6. HIDE EVERYTHING IN YOUR BEDROOM WHEN YOU SLEEP. When you pass out from over consumption of alcopops, your "friends" are going to use whatever they can find to destroy your dignity, take pictures and post them on Facebook. This includes food, suncream, toilet paper... The list goes on, save yourself!
7. "DANCE LIKE NO-ONE IS WATCHING" has become a mantra of many everywhere. In this case, DON'T. You'll be too drunk to notice that you have no control over your limbs and that everyone in the room is looking at you. Thank you barmaid for the free sambuca. You can blame her later...
8. DON'T BUY DVDS OFF THE LOOKY LOOKY MAN. What you think is "The Hangover 2" is actually a chinese porno with no subtitles. What could be worse, eh?
9. Get yourself a sun-lounger as early as possible. OPTIMUM TANNING TIME IS BETWEEN 12PM - 3PM. There is nothing worse than coming home and people asking "where's your tan??!!?" Slightly embarrassing when you tell them you slept through the entirety of your two week holiday.
10. BUY THE CRUDEST POSTCARD POSSIBLE AND SEND IT TO YOUR BEST FRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/PARENTS. THE DECISION IS YOURS. Just make sure you have somewhere to sleep when you get home, and don't tell them I told you to do it.
Enjoy holidaying, kids!